Plumbers Don't Wear Ties (warning: It's a long one.)

If I offend anyone during this particular blog entry, I would like to apologize in advance.

There have been many video games that have been considered the worst ever made.  The Atari 2600 version of "Pac-Man," for instance.  It was an adaptation of the extremely popular arcade game, based on an unfinished prototype in an attempt to release it by the 1981 holiday season.  We also had "E.T.:  The Extra-Terrestrial," also for the aforementioned 2600.  This was based on, at the time, the most successful motion picture at the box office, and like "Pac-Man," it was also forced into release very quickly for the holiday season.  In fact, it was so bad that Atari allegedly buried truckloads of unsold and returned E.T. cartridges in a New Mexico landfill.  Both of these games were significant factors of the infamous video game crash of 1983.  Nineteen eighty-three, incidentally, was the same year Nintendo released its Family Computer system in Japan, the system that would be redesigned and released as the Nintendo Entertainment System in the U.S. two years later (1985), reviving the business that had been virtually destroyed by the "unsinkable" Atari.  There were other bad games released even after these debacles.  "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," a game fans of the Angry Video Game Nerd know well about, "Superman 64"...the less said about that, the better, and "Action 52," which should have been called "Action 50," since two of the 'games' crash upon being selected.  Even Japan was not immune from bad video games, such as the notorious "Transformers:  Convoy no Nazo," also known as "Transformers:  Mystery of Optimus Prime."  The game was so bad that YouTube reviewer AllieRX87 said during his review, and I quote, "If I had to choose between this game and suicide, I'd [expletive deleted] kill myself."

But the game I'm going to go into detail about makes those previously mentioned mentioned games look like "The Legend of Zelda:  Ocarina of Time."  Before I tell you about the game itself, though, let me give you a little backstory.  Back in the early 1990s, compact disc technology was starting to be used in video games.  The first major console to use CD-ROMs was the Japanese PC-Engine, which released the CD-ROM2 (CD ROM ROM) add-on in 1988.  Sega would follow with its Mega-CD add-on for its Mega Drive in 1991.  The Mega-CD would be released as the Sega-CD for the North American Genesis the following year.  Panasonic would release the 3DO Interactive Multiplayer in 1993.  Both the Sega-CD and the 3DO had games which featured Full-Motion Video (FMV), due to the increased memory capacity of compact discs.  However, the problem with FMV games was that they focused more on its video, albeit bad quality video (though the quality on 3DO was much higher than the Sega CD), than the gameplay, and because of it, it was more like watching a movie than playing a game.  Now, let's talk about the 3DO for a bit.  It was a failure, a massive failure.  Its' main problem was on its release, it cost $700, American.  You read that right.  SEVEN HUNDRED U.S. DOLLARS.  That would be equal to just over $1,000 using today's money.  The 3DO also wasn't marketed as a video game system.  It was marketed more as a family entertainment system, but at seven hundred dollars, I highly doubt most families could afford this 'family entertainment system'.  Panasonic also refused to lower the price of the 3DO until near the end of its life cycle, and by that time, the much more successful PlayStation, Nintendo 64, and Sega Saturn had been released.  Now, the game I'm about to discuss was released for the 3DO in 1994, and if you bought the game back then, you wasted fifty bucks and several hours of your life.

What's the game, you ask?  Well, it's called "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties."  Now, I will admit, I've never actually played the game since I never owned a 3DO, but from what I've read on the internet, it's horrible.  No, "horrible" isn't the word for it.  In fact, I don't think there's any word in the English language that can describe this "game."  The title doesn't make any sense.  Hell, not one moment of the game makes any damn sense whatsoever.  If you've been unfortunate enough to play the game, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.  On the front cover, it says that it is "An Interactive Romantic Comedy" that "Plays like a game" and "feelings like a movie," featuring, and I quote, "A Plumber, A Daddy's Girl, Chickens, Crazed Yuppies, Evil Bosses, Shower Scenes, Race Cars, Pandas, a Nun," and at the very bottom, it reads "Get it?" upside-down.  Quite frankly, I still don't get it.

The game begins with a video clip of this woman, and let me tell you, right away, the game looks bad.  The quality of the video is somewhat nice, but the audio is mediocre.  Also, she's standing in front of a white sheet which means that they most likely shot this video in somebody's garage.  She tells us about herself, her reputation, and how we're trying to get together with this guy.  After a brief interruption, her shirt's off, and now she's just wearing a bra.  Uh...why?  You'll probably find yourself asking that question a lot while playing this...if you want to.  The camera also zooms in on her breasts.  Uh...never mind.

Anyways, after the video, we get perhaps the worst title screen in the history of video games, and then we have a choice..."Gimme Full Story!"...yes, that is how it's written, or "Go to the first decision!"  If you've never played the game before, and it's highly unlikely that you have, then you'll want to see the full story...and you'll probably regret making that choice thirty seconds afterwards.  The "full story" begins with one of worst, if not THE WORST, title sequences in the history of video games.  Here, we have the Race Cars, and Pandas.  Don't even bother asking why.  This is basically some sort of messed up dream sequence, which is ended by this extreme close-up of this old lady with beauty cream on her face.  I'll betcha several people had heart attacks after seeing that.  Now, I mentioned at the very start, there was a short video clip.  Well, the entire game after that is basically a slide show with bad photography, bad voice acting, and bad writing.  Anyways, back to the story.  We meet our male protagonist, John, a Plumber, who is woken up by his mother on the phone.  I swear, having watched this clip on YouTube more times than I would like to admit, John's mother has got to be the absolute worse mother in the history of the world.  She is basically, pardon my language, a bitch throughout the entire segment.  The gist of it is that she wants her son to be married with children, and that she's forcing him to have dinner at her place with this new girl that she picked out for him.  Now, this is five minutes in, and we haven't even come to the 'first decision' yet.  Now are you starting to regret picking the 'full story'?  Well, my friend, it gets worse.  It continues.  We now see Jane...she's the girl we saw earlier in the video, by the way...she gets a phone call from her father, who has more substance abuse problems than Lloyd Bridges' character from "Airplane."  This must mean that Jane's the 'Daddy's Girl'.  Now, it's obvious that even the people in the story aren't taking themselves too seriously since Jane's dad says, and I quote, "Why in the hell aren't you married yet, Jane?  In that last scene, that bitch of a mother told her son to have kids.  Now, I'm telling you, I want some, too!"  So they go back and forth for about a minute before...the Shower scene.  Now, this bit contains the only nudity in the entire game, and even THAT is bad.  It's censored for one thing, unless you use the "censor code" during the opening video, and even after entering the code, most of the nudity is basically John's ass, which means that the people who came up with this game were either gay, women, or have real serious problems.  Personally, I think it's the latter one, but that's just my opinion.  Anyways, after the "Shower Scene," we have John shaving, Jane trying on clothes, John lifting weights, Jane playing with her cat, John playing 'air guitar" with his plunger...I should also point out that John's mother is forcing him to wear a tie, even though as the title states, plumbers don't wear ties, but then again, nothing makes sense in the game anyways.  After the two of them are done fooling around (not THAT fooling around, if only we were so fortunate) in their respective homes, they head out--John on his motorcycle and Jane in her car.  Finally, nearly eight minutes into the "story," they meet each other, and then...we're introduced to Harry Armis, the "narrator."  Yes, we have a narrator for this thing.  He explains the objective of the game, which is to get these two lovebirds together, and he also notes that he's keeping score.  The score, like in "Whose Line is it Anyway?", doesn't really matter, since no matter how well you do in the game, you always ultimately end up with a negative score.

Now for the first decision--either "He makes a first move!", "Jane makes a move on him!", or "Meeting has to wait!"  Now, I neglected to mention this earlier, but I'll mention it now.  When you highlight one of the choice, you hear perhaps some of the most racist-sounding voices ever heard in history, and you can't move the cursor until you hear the entire explanation.  Now, it doesn't matter who makes the first move, since ultimately the story would move forward anyways.  The third decision, "Meeting has to Wait!", is perhaps the biggest waste of time in the entire game.  Here, we are scolded by Harry twenty seconds after making the choice, and before we get a chance to abort, we go back to the story, which has them thinking out loud, featuring more offensive material, as well as different men and women.  This is the segment with the "Crazed Yuppies," by the way.  I should also point out that you cannot fast forward through these scenes on the original 3DO version.  Anyways, the whole segment lasts seven minutes with nothing accomplished, so you have to go back to the first decision.

Now, if John makes the first move, he introduces himself, and Jane says that she has to go to her new job.  This leads to the next decision, either "John pursues Jane" or "He plans a vigorous assault later on!"  Neither one of these decisions is really 'wrong,' but they don't really have any major affect on the story, either.  If you picked "Jane makes a move on him!" as your first choice, she introduces himself, yadda-yadda-yadda, and the game ultimately goes to Jane going to her job, where she is told by her boss, Mark Thresher, the bad news, that her position was canceled at the last minute.

Jane begs for a job, which leads to our next decision--"Thresher finds a job for Jane after all!", "Turn poor Jane away!!", or "The hairball takes advantage of the situation!!"  There's a saying that I once heard from "Power Rangers," and it goes something...like this..."Sometimes, the obvious choice is the wrong choice."  Well, in this case, whether or not Jane gets the job, she doesn't end up with John, which leads to you having to pick the third choice in order for the story to move forward.  Now, the voice says that you must be 18 or order to look at this decision, yet the game is rated for 17 and up.  I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment.  Now, how does Thresher take advantage of the situation?  He tells Jane to take her clothes off.  Definitely an Evil Boss.  And even though Harry chews us out for this choice, the story continues.

So the next decision--"Our Heroine declines the disgusting proposal!" or "She'll do anything to get the job??!!"  In this case, the obvious choice is the right choice...she'll do anything to get the job.  No, wait, that's the wrong choice.  I should point out that even though this particular scene is banned on YouTube, you really aren't missing anything.  From what I saw in the Angry Video Game Nerd review, it's basically a mild, and I use the term lightly, mild case of sadomasochistic activity.  Well, when she declines the disgusting proposal, she runs off, and Thresher ends up chasing her with a letter opener.  The whole scene has to be seen to be believed, if that's even possible.  Just as Harry is about to chew us out again, guess what?  The story gets hijacked by this karate chick.  What...the...expletive?!  She then chews us out for these 'disgusting plot choices' that we've picked.  Yeah, lady, like we really had a choice.

And speaking of choices, here's the next one--"John heroically dashes off to save Jane!!" or "John distract (sic) Thresher from the case!!"  Let's talk about the second decision for now.  During the "full story", John's mother asked if her son was gay.  Well, if you picked this decision, that's basically what ends up happening.  John ends up with Thresher, who is probably bisexual.  This, by the way, is the only bad decision where you don't get chewed out by the narrator.  Well, since our original narrator was hijacked, maybe the karate chick doesn't mind gays.  Anyways, the other, correct, choice leads to a chase sequence which shows them fooling around all across Los Angeles, ultimately ending up in a warehouse where John and Thresher 'fight', with John neutralizing him, and Thresher offering Jane five million dollars for one night with him.

Before we have the story terminated by the feminist narrator, Harry returns and terminates her with extreme prejudice.  He then chews us out for our action, again like we really had a choice, we get to our next decision--"Jane goes for it!!" or "Jane rejects the power."  I think we know which one to pick, but let's go with "Jane goes for it!!"  Here, Jane and Thresher negotiate how much he's paying her for a weekend, which lasts all throughout the "night"...I should have mentioned the messed up filters earlier, but you've probably noticed this by now...if you saw the game, that is.  Anyways, Jane ends up with Thresher, and John ends up going to dinner at his mom's place, ultimately living an unhappy life.  The "Chicken", by the way, is simply Harry wearing a chicken mask.  The correct choice, by the way, shows that even the makers of the game didn't take the project seriously, if at all.  During the scene, John flubs a line, the cast and crew all laugh about it, and the director says that he's going to keep it in the game.  No comment.  After John's heartfelt speech, Jane decides to go with John, and a woman who sounds like John's mom ends up with Thresher.

Now that the two are finally together, you have one final decision--"I want the Hollywood ending!!" or "Gimme something completely different!!"  Well, if you want something completely different, that's where you'll find the Nun.  If you pick this decision, it turns out that Jane is actually a virgin, and studying to become a nun.  If you've seen how the rest of this story has gone, you'll know that I have absolutely nothing to say about that.  Now, if you pick the Hollywood ending, that's basically it, a Hollywood-style ending.

But you still have one last decision after the ending--"I wanna see Just who's behind all this!!  Gimme the Credits!!", "Take em back to the first decision!!" (although I have no idea why you'd want to do that after seeing this excrement), or very simply, "End this thing."  If you pick "Gimme the Credits," you'll see all the people that worked on this game, and probably the people you'll want to hunt down for wasting your time and money.

Cast

• John..Edward J. Foster
• Jane..Jeanne Basone
• Thresher..Paul Bokor
• Narrator..Harry Armis
• One of the other guys in the "Meeting has to wait!" bit...Danny Beyda
• Another one of the other guys in the "Meeting has to wait!" bit..Giovanni Cuarez
• The lady that gets Thresher..Samantha Eggersoll (and also the voice of John's mother; that's why I made that remark earlier)
• John's mother (body, the woman with the creepy face)...Violetta Gevorkian
• Jane's dad..."Name withheld pending notification of next of kin..." (I'm not kidding, that's what this guy is credited as...but I think Jane's dad kind of sounds like Armis.)
• Karate Chick Narrator...Thyra Metz
• Yet another one of the other guys in the "Meeting has to wait!" bit...Grant Swanson
• One of the other chicks in the "Meeting has to wait!" bit...Daniel Taylor (eh?)
• The other one of the other chicks in the "Meeting has to wait!" bit...Soumaya Young

Crew

• Written, Produced, and Directed by Michael Anderson (and see what ultimately happened to him)
• Stock Car Instrumental by Triple XXX
• Music Scored by Martin Golnick
• Computer Programming by John Crane
• Photography by Frank Petrelli
• The following individuals made special contributions to the production:  Sean Abbot, Daniel Chun, John Eisenreich, Robert Galloway, Andrew Gale, Paul Levine, Cara Mattison, Grant Mauk, Tomas Mendoza, Al Olea, Thomas Roch, Georg Shandi
• Special thanks to Ray Wilkings of Saugus Speedway
• Producer and Friend..Now serving hard time because of this production. (and I hope he ultimately got the gas chamber)
• Artist (sic)...Ted Serafica, Albert Truong, Andrew Webster
• Programming By...Michael Chang, Jason Chen, Tun Huang
• From Kirin Entertainment, (C) 1994.

"Plays like a game...Feels like a movie!!!"  So wrong on so many levels.

"Plumbers Don't Wear Ties" completely goes against all forms of logic.  True, not everything about video games is logical, but this game is so messed up, it would baffle even the Vulcans from "Star Trek."  It's obvious that they spent just one day doing the photography and voice recording for this game, maybe even less, and I'll betcha the makers of "The Blair Witch Project" spent more money on their film than Kirin Entertainment did on this piece of garbage.  All-in-all, the game sucks, although you'll probably watch the clips over and over again because they're THAT bad.


Again, if I offended anyone during this particular blog entry, I would like to apologize.